It feels so good when you start out

So I currently have a friend in the typical "We're really good friends and he likes me and I told him I'm confused even though I really meant 'no way' and now I have to tell him 'no' or he'll keep waiting for me and I just don't want to say 'no' because I'll feel really really bad and I honestly don't want to lose the friendship and I'm trying to make a decision with my head but I'm all emotionally compromised..." situation.

When she explained the dilemma to me (and really, it does not need explaining), I responded with what any good friend would say. I told her she needed to talk to him, and to make it easier I would write a script. She could print two copies of the script, hand him his lines, and they could have a friendly, contained conversation. No mess there.

After writing it for her, I decided that many of my readers could benefit from such a script (you're welcome, Llama). So here it is: (remember, no ad libbing.)

SETTING: Restaurant.

Collins: I’m really glad you agreed to come here with me, Liz. You are radiant. You are a jewel.

Liz: (blushes): Heh, heh. (more nervous laughter). Well actually, there’s been something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.

Collins: (eyes brighten up): You want to talk about us?

Liz: Actually, how convenient that you would say that. Yes. I want to talk about us.

Collins: Good. I can’t stop thinking about you. About how I could have and should have had you.

Liz: Um. Okay. Well pretty much I really respect you and don’t want to lose our friendship. But the thing is, I just really don’t see us having any sort of long-term future, and I don’t want to start down a path that leads nowhere. You have lots of great qualities, but I feel like some of our core values are just very different.

Collins: I totally get what you’re saying. It might be hard on me, but I’m going to stop thinking about you that way. Thanks for being so honest.

Liz: I’m glad you took it so well. I was scared that this meal would be ruined. Don’t have a lot money. Sorry about all the leading you on...

Collins: Dude, I’ll continue to take you out and buy you stuff. No problem.

Liz: …And you won’t get attached?

Collins: Nah. I’m a guy. Guys don’t have real feelings. We just pretend.

Liz: That’s kind of harsh on your gender.

Collins: I know. I just kind of dying inside right now and don’t know what I’m saying.

Liz: That was a lie?

Collins: Can we get a new scriptwriter.

Liz: No. She’s really cool.

Collins: I changed my life for you.

Liz: I don’t like your friends. They’re deadbeats.

Collins: I’ll get new ones.

Liz: That’s not what I’m trying to say.

Collins: What’s the real reason?

Liz: No. Just no. I’m sorry. No.

Collins: Okay. I totally respect you. We shall maintain a platonic, not too emotional friendship.

Liz: Okay cool.

They continue eating.

END SCENE.

Sorry about a couple of glitches in the middle. I was going to end it after the first 7 lines, but they just kept talking.

While I'm on the subject, here are a couple of my favorite rejection stories from friends'/siblings lives.

The Twilight Situation:

Boy at Party: So...what do you think of Twilight.

Llama: I think it personifies everything that's wrong with American girls. I have no idea why girls get so silly and infatuated over bad writing and some idiot vampire. People need to start living in reality...Why do you ask?

Boy at Party: Oh, I just wanted to see if you wanted to go to "New Moon" with me.

Summer Camp Drama:

Some guy at summer camp had a thing for my friend May. So (of course) he sent a friend of his to ask her out for him. While trying to ask May out, this friend was sitting on the ground ducking his head through the opening in the back of a chair. (see picture).

As he explained the ardency of his friend's feelings, his head got stuck in the chair's opening, and he couldn't get it out.

God told me to break up with you.

We'll just leave that one as a title. But oh, it happens.

Taxi Conundrum:

My brother's friend Tim was in the front seat of a taxi in Oman. The driver leaned over and patted his thigh.

"Show me."

"What?"

"Show me."

Tim looked it him in disgust. "No man, you have your own!" He hopped out of the cab.

Wait...how old are you? (Not a rejection story in itself, but influenced the outcome.)

My early twenties friend Anna was out on a blind date. They were laughing about some parental anecdote, when he asked her:

"So, how old are your parents?"

"Oh, early fifties."

"Wow, that's really young!"

"Not really...how old are yours?"

"Early sixties."

"Wow. Well I guess some people just have kids a little later."

"No, I think they were in their mid-twenties when they had me."

Anna (trying to do quick mental math): "Wait...how old are you?"

"Guess."

"Um 27?"

"Older."

"32?"

"Older." He was 34.

Pencil or Pensive?

My friend Tanya dumped a guy because he was too stupid. Before you judge her, check out a conversation sampling:

Tanya: Mo, you look pensive. What's up?

Mo: Tanya, the closest word I know to that is "pencil"!

and then later...

Tanya: Don't you have any aspirations?

Mo: Stop using words like that. This isn't a Harvard interview! (a school which she was, of course, interviewing for.)

Anyways I changed most of the names and omitted quite of a few of my favorite stories (yeah, social awareness kicking in:)).

I was going to illustrate this post with a great break up between Denise and Peter on Foxtrot. I couldn't find it online, but I found a couple of random ones that amused me instead:

(Sorry they're so blurry. I'll one day figure out how to fix it. Click on them to see clearly.)