so easy to say that everything is just the way it seems

Dear Internet Recipe Sharers,

When posting a recipe, please write as though your audience is a) a new cook b) a new English speaker c) below 10 years old. I've grown weary of making up steps between your oh so vague suggestions. Please tell me how much salt and pepper to use. Please define your terms (yes, all of them). Please do not instruct me to do something "until it tastes right" or looks a certain color. Please please please include all of the ingredients in the list at the beginning and don't assume I have cream of tartar lying around just in case it shows up in the middle of a recipe. I would also appreciate it if you could give warnings - "if it starts to develop this consistency you've gone too far" – like any normal directions (If you've passed Denny's, make nearest U-turn).

In theatre, I was always taught that the audience is fundamentally stupid. You have to spell it out. I think this is even more important in internet cooking, and seeing as this is your playground, I thought I'd send my request out into your space. See, I'm using your language.

Thank you for sharing your knowledge with me,

Siobhan

P.S. And please stop giving long introductions. I don't need to read "porkchops are nature's perfect food" at the beginning of my porkchop recipe. I bought them, I don't need to have their merits extolled to my face. Go join an English class.

**

Brian's back from break and providing me with all sorts of new blog fodder, like his conversation with Miss Garcia today.

Miss Garcia: What person did you choose to do your essay on?
Brian: Islam.
Miss Garcia: Islam?
Brian (obviously): Yes.
Miss Garcia: You chose to write about the person Islam?
Brian: Yes.
Miss Garcia: You can't do that.
Brian: Why not? My teacher said I could.
Miss Garcia: You told your teacher you wanted to write on Islam for your biographical essay?
Brian: Yeah, she said I could.
Miss Garcia: No, she didn't.
Brian: Yes she did!

and on...

Oh and the "your mom" jokes have started. I don't know how we've gone this far without them. What's more painful is that they aren't even very good. So I'm not repeating them here.

**

On the bright side, I've finally chosen a career: Housewife. It's a shame I had to go through so much education before I could make this decision (IB eats your soul, people), but I'm glad I've arrived.

Not "housewife" in the typical sense – no driving children and cleaning – mostly I've decided that all of my aspirations involve me trying crazy business/solo careers that will need financial backing. My parents have gotten over the whole "oldest daughter" thing, so I figure I just need a man to fund me. A benefactor, if you will. Coincidentally I happen to live in a promising area for such a venture: Lala land. So from now on I'll include status updates from my benefactor hunt. So far I've ruled out most of the men on Craigslist (how do I know that's not a stock Lamborghini photo?)

**

An older acquaintance of mine was referring to social networking sites and said something about how all high schoolers have a "Space Page." My mother used to call FB "Facespace," (of course now she has one)...But my point is, these names are way cooler than Facebook and Myspace. Who wouldn't want a Spacepage?

I know I do.