i can keep rhythm with no metronome

"Miss Stewart, Evan called me 'fatty'!"
"No, she called me 'fatty'!"
"Yeah, I heard her."
"Okay, you guys, it isn't nice to call each other names."

Blessed are the peacemakers, right? Teachers have a lot to collect on.

I later tried to have small talk with two sisters, a six and eight-year-old who sit across from me.

"So did you have a good Thanksgiving?"
They both nodded, their big eyes serious, their dark bangs sitting perfectly adorable on their foreheads.
"We went to the spa," the eight-year-old, JiWon, explained.
"Well that's exciting."
"And my friend Ashley made a poop in the spa."
I made a face. This encouraged her and she went into details which I didn't pursue. I'm pretty sure this Ashley girl used the hot tub as her own personal toilet.

now or never

Quote of the Day: "What was obvious, however, was that this large, wet animal, making strange hissing noises and gnashing its teeth, was intent upon climbing into the Presidential boat."
--Colin Powell

Yes, I just discovered the Carter "killer rabbit" incident, whereupon Jimmy Carter's boat was attacked by a swamp rabbit while he was boating. His White House photographer captured the thing on film, but he was still made fun of by his staffers. This sounds like an episode from The West Wing that no-one would buy.

"The President confessed to having had limited experience with enraged rabbits." haha.

where in the world have you been hiding?

Today I threw socks on for my walk to work. I was wearing flats that tend to give me blisters, so I figured I'd take the socks off right before I got in.

Of course I forgot to remove them and ended up walking around with one yellow, one purple sock all day.

the continuing story of bungalow bill

The Beginning: The year is 2004. There is a tooth, the orthodontist informs me. An impacted tooth, swimming around in your bottom gum. We could take it out, but there is a 70-80% chance it will never bother you in your lifetime. Sounds good, we'll leave it in, my mother and I declare in unison, in much the same way characters in adventure novels speak in synchronization. We are, after all, the heroes of this story.

Five Years Later: There is a tooth, the new orthodontist informs me, except he is not informing me; I already have this knowledge. It is half a decade old. There is a tooth, the new orthodontist re-enlightens me. I would like to take it out. It might intend harm to your other teeth. I am alone, in a new land, without my mother to perfectly echo my words. But they are the same. I'll leave it in, thanks. His associate orthodontist does not like this answer. I would tell my own daughter to take it out, he adds a personal touch. No thanks, I insist. I'll take my chances.

Five Years and Three Months Later: Associate orthodontist waves a black and white image in front of my face. Do you see this? When the tooth is in this position it is 100% likely that there is already root damage we can't see on the x-ray. 100% likely? So there already is damage, I say. It's clearly malicious, he says. Its intents are not good. It will slowly destroy your other teeth like a deranged Don Juan. And your body will be old and unable to fight it off. It is the villain. As the hero, you must destroy it.

Five Years, Three Months and Two Weeks Later: I am brave. So brave. I decide to stay awake for the procedure. It's cheaper, and there are zero chances of death/grogginess from being put under. I set up the "Lord of the Rings" soundtrack on my ipod, because I don't have time to import my classical music onto it, but I want something wordless and soothing. As I settle into the chair and the dentist and his assistant loom over me, epic adventure LOTR music streams into my ears. This situation is much, much too surreal for me to handle, and I quickly take my ipod off the Lord of The Rings soundtrack and put it on shuffle. (Added bonus: now the soundtrack isn't ruined for me forever.)

37 minutes later: The ipod earphones have fallen out of my ears and I'm in too much of an apathetic, pain-induced delirium to fix this. I am greeted by an intense drilling noise, the noise of a powerful tool which, though I can't feel it, I know is inside of my gum, shattering my tooth.

The dentist starts making reassuring statements like, "This is more complicated than I thought," and "It looks like there's another tooth hiding back here. We didn't see that on the x-ray." He picks up an instrument. "Do we have this in a different size?" His helper tells him that, no, this is the smallest size.

I mumble something and they focus on me. "Are we almost done?" My words are unintelligible to my own ears, but these are professionals. "Yes, it's almost out." Liars.

My mental state is deteriorating. Psychologically, it doesn't help that there is no actual sharp pain; I'm still watching them stick nasty, loud instruments into my mouth. I'm still hearing the snapping of my tooth as it breaks into 20 pieces. And I'm feeling the pressure of the dentist grabbing my tooth (still attached to the bone) and trying to pull it out by force.

"It feels like you're breaking my jaw," the words are thick and cryptic.
"Your tooth?"
"No. My jaw. My jaw."
"Her jaw."
"Ohh." He laughs. "I won't."
But I'm serious. He is pulling so hard, and my jaw is killing me. I have a tiny little jaw. He can't possibly remember how small and weak it is. My thoughts become increasingly irrational.

"It says here that she has TMJ." I hear a faint voice in the background. Yes. Yes I do. And I'm starting to fear that my jaw will be permanently locked into the over-opened position it has been in for 37 minutes.

He starts digging around again, and suddenly I faintly feel the tool.
"Ow."
"You feel that?"
"Yes."
He grabs a shot, and shoots more nov into my gum.

"Do you want to be put to sleep?" he asks as I grimace.
I nod. Please.
"Okay, well there's just one more little, piece. Let me try and get it. And if I can't, we'll put you to sleep."
"Just leave it in."
"What?"
"Leave it in."
"But if I leave it in, you'll have to come back and get it out."
"I don't care."
He shares a laugh with his assistant over this.

And then it's out.
"We're done!" he announces proudly. This is good news. I've been ready for this.
And then he brings out a metal with a bit of string. Sutures time.


After it's all over, he says.
"You know that took a lot more time than I had thought. If I had known it would be this complicated, I would have put you to sleep." Thanks.

So, it turns out. I am not the hero. I am not an angel. I am just a man.

breathe in the air

Scrawny
Definition: very very thin
Example: I hear a scrawny noise.

I can't get over these kids and their interpretations of words. Not that I'm so clever. A girl came to me today and asked if I knew Spanish. I told her I didn't but that I would try and help her. She was looking for a 4th way to say goodbye (she had three already). I cleverly responded with "Hasta La Vista," which I was almost positive was Spanish. She didn't look too certain and I explained to her that Schwarzenegger had said it in Terminator. (Which aged myself I suppose.) She told me that her teacher didn't want her to use it. I thought for a minute and suggested "Ciao." She mildly pointed out that this was Italian. "Are you sure?" Yes, she was. I blame my friend Fiona who spoke Spanish and Italian and obviously muddled me up.

Today's Funky Word: Fungible. It means replaceable. I thought it was kind of cool.

Quote of the day:"Guilt is a luxury only foreigners can afford. Like saying whatever pops into your head."
--President Obama's stepfather; Dreams From My Father. A book which I'm thoroughly enjoying.

of your galaxies dancing and laughing again

"Alex and John playe with hippys.
Hippys sit on John. John dosn't liek Hippys."

This was an essay I had to correct yesterday. Above it was an unintelligible picture of various human/animal formations with lots of smudged erasing. I asked a co-worker for input and he said that the writer meant "hippoes," not "hippys."

All that to say, I'm working with children again, but this time for money. And they are adorable and fabulous and crazy, and I cannot help empathize with them – they sit through school until 2:30 and then come to "Bright Child Learning Center" until 7:00. That's almost a 12 hour work day; something I cannot sustain as a young adult, let alone have managed as a 4th grader.

As I scanned through previously corrected workbooks to get an idea of the grading system, I came across a section of vocabulary words. When the children read a book, they write down a list of words they don't understand and look them up, writing the definition underneath.

One child's entry from a few weeks ago was "Barely: Naked. Someone without clothes." This was circled and red ink declared "Wrong Definition!" That cracked me up.

So, yes, I'm employed again. Half as many hours for slightly more pay – sounded like a good deal to me.

Walking home last night, I was offered a ride by a shady looking 20 something. I politely declined – he didn't even have candy.

here i stand, heart in hands

I realized I haven't been doing my quote of the day recently and to make up for it I've found a crazy long quote to share. Well, not really, it's just a poem. But it's a favorite and I'm going to memorize it and start throwing into conversations to improve my social skills.

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

– Rudyard Kipling


I know he meant it toward females, but man and son fit better in the rhyme scheme. So pass it on.

I recently got a comment on my Youtube channel from someone who appreciated my videos. I checked out his site and found video blogging that reminded me of this other kid who had all these awkward videos that people thought he was faking. Maybe he was, because I can't seem to find him anymore.

Smashing Story: Apparently Cookie monster got more veggie-friendly a few years ago and started calling cookies a "sometimes food." Hahaha...

Today's Life Lesson: Don't watch Youtube videos with piranhas in them. My roommate Jess
and I watched them devour a frog and a mouse last night and it was a tad traumatizing.

And to make doubly sure you don't fancy a night swim this week (yes, I know it's November), check this photo below.


It's a Giant Squid!

just remember darling, til you're home again

Today's Smashing Story: In an innovative attempt to save money, United Airlines has decided to do away with seats and just start stacking people in the cabin Okay, so this story might have come from a news parody site – it's essence is fairly accurate.

I've recently realized that I'm thoroughly enjoying round two of unemployment. There's nothing like an underpaid full time job that makes you appreciate sleeping in and participating in activities you actually care about. I'm giving this point to enjoyment. Current Tally: Unemployment:1 Enjoyment: 2
The gift of time is a beautiful thing.

Life Lesson: Today's Life Lesson comes in list form.
People it never hurts to flirt with:
--your local mechanic
--the meat guy at the grocery store (they can give you free marinades)
--Godiva and Sees salesmen
--your professors (that's for my sister)
--Hugh Dancy (hey, if you get a chance to meet him, why not? no time for hard to get )